I missed the last chairlift down the steep, 2,900ft descent and had to walk all the way down,
but didn’t worry about anyone with me or how they would feel about the long, steep return.
I stopped because a butterfly landed on my pant leg
and asked it to flutter up to my hand.
it flew to my pointer finger,
and for a while I talked to it like a little friend
who I had known for a long time, even if it had been years
since our last encounter.
I missed the last chairlift down the steep,
2,900ft descent
and had to walk
all
the
way
down,
but didn’t worry about anyone with me
or how they would feel
about the long, steep return.
I reached out to some strangers on
couchsurfing and asked if they
wanted to meet
up & one very
friendly, generous,
funny and interesting
Austrian badass
said yes
and we spent two days hiking together
and she showed me the best place
to walk through a gorgeous valley
with waterfalls and wildflowers
and end at an alm
where they served the absolute most delicious pastry
I will never remember the name of.
We drank elderflower syrup with sparkling water
and fresh pressed apple juice
and ate this sinful, delicious, fried pastry
filled with homemade jam.
But most importantly
alone
I am myself without the gaze of another.
I am myself without the gaze of a dear familiar
who knows me one way
and expects me to be so.
I am myself without the gaze
of a new but consistent
travel companion
who is observing & noting &
trying to puzzle me together
so to know
what to expect.
I am myself without a third party fact checker
or a supportive stone to lean on
or a consistent other to weigh in opinions, observations, noticings,
complaints, compliments, emotions about the journey.
I am uncomfortable and lonely
sometimes, & must persist through,
self-mothering, self-loving, self-regulating, self-initiating;
it is just me.
me and my journey.
whoever I am
right now.
This doesn’t mean I believe that
alone
is best
always.
This doesn’t mean I believe that
i am my number one
top priority
always.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t value
meaningful, loving community
over almost
anything.
This means I believe
in travelling
alone
often.